Ok so I have told you all before, I grew up with a lot of that… Not the swearing though, but raised voices, accusations, arguments, verbal tirades, they could go on for hours and hours. You may not have been the one on centre stage taking the floor and being pulled to pieces but once it started everyone got a chance.
I shudder to think about those many many many times now, and actually I only remember them as a whole the details are very much a blur and I’m more than happy for them to stay that way. I wonder if I was the person I am now what would I have done back then but that would never have been possible.
A counselor I saw a few years ago suggested something that she thought would help me when I found myself in any even vaguely similar situations she called it joining.
She said that people need validation and even if you don’t like the style of the delivery of their venting of a situation that what you can do is ‘join’ them and validate their feelings, or what has happened and still maintain your who you are without being untrue yo yourself.
It’s really just so amazing though how our personality and the make up our character is so very strong…. To me it feels like a raging current and I can only go with the flow of that especially in this area of my life, to pull myself out if it is like going against that raging current…. meaning it’s extremely difficult.
Learned fear together with being driven towards peace, and being a positive optimistic not to mention faith filled person makes it very very difficult for me to ‘join’ the other person in their venting.
You see even when there is a lot truth to what someone is saying if they are saying it in an aggressive way I respond to the way the message is delivered by tending towards peace, immediately, avoiding increasing tension etc and therefore going far from even temporarily ‘joining’ someone.
The next things that come into play are being positive, optimistic and faith and people often don’t want to hear that but that is my source, what I know and what I believe and I can’t give people what I don’t believe in.
Finding a line here in a tricky situation is not easy but I have learned some more about this and I am beginning to find the demarcation line that will help me to keep my peace, even as I tend towards it!