I don’t like tension…. It takes me back to childhood memories of anger, family fights, situations beyond my control and trying to keep everyone happy, and then feeling responsible for things I couldn’t change.
When something is about to happen or does in fact happen, that causes any kind of tension, even to this day I want to fix it…. to stop it.
Its like I always know what is going to happen and I want to prevent the inevitable outcomes, any explosions, outbursts or people sparking off each other.
That is how I learnt to cope as a child. I wanted to keep everything calm and smooth it over. Now when I encounter any situation like that I want to do the same thing… I want to keep the peace, mind you it’s not normal to live with that mentality of trying to keep peace….
When you live in a volatile environment you become very perceptive, you know what’s around the next corner, and you know well in advance.
The good thing is I am aware of this pattern of how I react, even when it happens in various settings, I’m learning to let it go and let other people sort it out. Its part of God growing me to free me up.
I don’t like it but at least through learning to recognise these patterns I am going to be controlled less and less by them. I know I get worked up about these types of situations easily and then worry, only to find out the whole storm had passed while I was stressing but the worry alone is what motivated me to try to stop it!
The thing is that it’s not our role to control all these things, whether they are hard or just plain terrible. And we can’t control or prevent every incident but the driver is fear. The thoughts come into your head and you want to prevent impending doom.
Fear is stronger in these moments than the realisation that we cannot and often should not try to control these things but we give it a go anyway. After fear ends its rule, then the next one to speak up is embarrassment. Embarrassment will also shout loudly and tell you that if you strike stealthily first you may be able to break the circuit and avoid the repetition, the scene, the side-show, the performance, this is another factor in our desire to control.
Who was I trying to protect? Well… firstly me of course, naturally… that is totally the truth, then next on the list was EVERYONE, you, family, friends and even innocent bystanders.
Each of us come to the realisation that we need to stop intervening, at least in most situations, as most situations are not the kind that we grew up in, they are usually far more simple and straightforward but we automatically go into fight or flight mentality.
I have found that as I have slowly gained some ability to step back that I am growing and that I am allowing others the ability to grow too, and protect themselves, as after all I am not always there, and neither is anyone else ALWAYS going to be around. We all need to learn this and the reward for our lessons is that we are continually getting set free….
Just something to think about….